NB:This is for married couple.
- Sex is more than getting to the climax, it’s an act of intimacy, it’s also about the journey that leads to the climax and the reason why the climax is special.
- It is difficult to enjoy sex with a spouse you are mad at, a spouse you despise, who keeps hurting you or who makes you feel taken for granted.
- Sex is like a graceful dance, you will not enjoy it if you are rigid and have rules and fixed patterns.
1. “Lack of love” Love is the greatest aphrodisiac; when you are in love with someone, you find everything about them sexy, you surrender to pleasure. Sex is more than getting to the climax, it’s an act of intimacy, it’s also about the journey that leads to the climax and the reason why the climax is special. That’s why you should marry the one you are in love with.
2. “Thinking too much”When you are making love, free your mind and pleasure will follow. Put the stress aside, stop thinking about the baby, about the bills, about your responsibilities, whether your skin is too sweaty, whether you’re making too much noise, whether you’re doing it right, whether you are hard or wet enough. Stop worrying, you and your spouse deserve this moment of pleasure. Pleasure is first sought after in the mind
3. “Comparisons” When you compare and make your expectation of what good sex is based on what you read in magazines, what you read online and what you hear from friends; when you compare the size of your hubby’s tool with what you hear from friends, compare your wife’s body and tricks with what you hear; you will not enjoy sex with your spouse. Sex is custom-made for every couple, leave the world behind, it’s just you two
4. “Pornography”Pornography confuses you, it plants images of strangers in your mind. Pornography becomes addictive as you are ever searching for the next steamy scene by strangers on screens. Slowly you become numb to your spouse’s sexiness as you drool over strangers; even when you climax, it’s not because you are thinking about your spouse but because you are thinking of porn stars. Pornography is like taking a walk with your spouse in the streets and desiring every person who passes your way, you wouldn’t do that in the streets, why do that on screens?
5. “Promiscuity”Sleeping with many people drains you, eventually, you feel lost. Eventhough sex takes you to a form of high, sex comes with deep feelings of emptiness in you. Sex is best enjoyed exclusively, that’s why we marry
6. “Suspicion” When you suspect your spouse of unfaithfulness your body will automatically become defensive. You keep asking in your head where has your spouse been, will you contract a disease, how dare your spouse do that?
7. “Fights with your lover”It is difficult to enjoy sex with a spouse you are mad at, a spouse you despise, who keeps hurting you or who makes you feel taken for granted. Sex is not for people who consider themselves enemies. Resolve disputes quickly, don’t end the day with grudges, make up before before you go to bed; your sexlife is at stake. Once arguments make the fire fade, it will be hard to get it back
8. “Poor mood setting” Is your bedroom conducive for sex? Is your bedroom an eye sore or neat? Is the decor and lighting good ambiance for passion? Do you dress up for sex, investing in lingerie? Do you shower up to give you a fresh natural scent, or are you full of foul smell? Do you clean your pubic area, do you shave if your spouse loves it shaved? Your body is a meal, package it ready to eat; your bedroom is your sex haven, decorate it as such
9. “Rushing” Unless it’s a quickie, don’t rush sex. Take your time, there is so much treasure hidden in your spouse’s body. Explore. Tease your spouse, prolong the climb so that when the climax comes it is a massive volcano and to her, multiple eruptions
10. “Sexual incompatibility”It is very important to marry someone you are sexually compatible with, that you two naturally flow. A person may be good in character and heart but not sexually compatible with you and so sex will be something you both struggle to do, you’ll find friction and walls on your way to climax, it will exhaust you. Sexual compatibility is cultivated, you get it by learning each other
11. “Past pain”If the abuse of sex in the past brought you pain then you will never enjoy sex if you don’t heal. If you were raped or sexually assaulted, if you were crashed sexually, if you aborted, if you used to sell your body for favors; then you need to heal to get to enjoy sex. Your spouse will help you heal if you open up, don’t let something so beautiful be ruined by past pain. Let God redeem sex to how it should be- sweet and pleasurable
12. “Rigidness”Sex is like a graceful dance, you will not enjoy it if you are rigid and have rules and fixed patterns. Remember it’s is not just about you getting pleasure your way, your spouse has desires too. Your spouse could be taking you to pleasures unknown if only you relax, let loose, be open and free
13. “Hygiene concerns”Sex sometimes can get sensually messy. Yes, your fluids mix, tongues collide, sheets get wet. If you’re busy being made love to but still playing your neat freak role you will not enjoy sex. In fact, you will find yourself repelling your spouse, you don”t want to lick your spouse, don’t want the tongue on you, you’ll be scared of fluids mixing, and worse off, especially for women, when he climaxes you push him aside and want to run to take a shower. Your spouse can tell when you wear disgusted eyes
14..”Same old routine”Boredom eventually makes you get tired of sex, sex shouldn’t always be predictable. Be creative in bed, your sexlife depends on it
15. “Doing sex as an obligation”Sex should be an expression of love not a duty. Tragedy is when you get to the point of sexing your spouse because you feel obligated to give your spouse conjugal rights. Sex should not be one sided where one spouse gets pleasure and the other feels forced to play the part. This is where most women fake orgasms and end it quickly, soon sex becomes undesirable
16. “Pathetic foreplay”No foreplay or pathetic foreplay puts off the act. Sex should be like a concert, where foreplay is the curtain raiser and intercourse the main act. When the curtain raiser is a bad performance, it taints the quality of the entire concert
17. “Cold hindplay”The foreplay may be amazing, the intercourse could be incredible, but what happens after the climax shapes the view of sex. If after sex your spouse becomes cold towards you, treats you like you are no longer needed or walks away like you are some dirty thing; you will begin to feel used. Every time you’ll think of sex, you will remember that feeling of being used
18. “Viewing sex as evil”In a world where talking about sex has been made a taboo, sex has been made so cheap, the abuse of sex has led to much pain and we grow up being told to shun sex; many end up viewing sex as evil. Godly people become programmed to frown at the thought of sex. Evil shouldn’t steal what God invented. Sex is Godly and is God’s idea. In your marriage, talk dirty with your spouse, get kinky, hold nothing back; for even God expects, desires and demands you two to enjoy sex
19. “Fear of pregnancy”No one, married or not desires to get a child when they are not ready. We plan our families because we want to bring children into this world when we can give the best. The fear of getting pregnant can take away the peace, one can’t relax fully though the want for pleasure exists. And even after the sex, the mind stays anxious waiting for the monthly periods, and gets worried when the periods are late. That worry keeps eating up the joy of sex. Save yourself the stress, discuss with your spouse and doctor on the right contraceptive so that you enjoy sex and plan when to have children or your next child
20. “Roughness”When your spouse is clumsy, hurtful or rough on you and in touching you it can easily kill the pleasure. Teach each other how to handle each other, be sensitive. There is a difference between wild good sex and hurtful handling
21. “Wrong words or no words spoken”Don’t be silent, go on and moan, say something, say what you want. Your moan turns your spouse on even more, the more your spouse hears you enjoying, the more your spouse gets into it and enjoyment is heightened. Be careful also not to say something that turns your spouse off
22. “Your ex”If you had sex with another or others before getting married, move on from those past experiences. Don’t recall those past thoughts, focus on your spouse. Don’t make your spouse compete with thoughts of an ex stuck on your mind
23. “Guilt”When you know you are having sex with someone who is not yours, when you know you are being unfaithful; your conscience will not let you enjoy sex. You will know what you’re doing doesn’t please God
24. “Low self esteem”How you view yourself dictates how you approach sex. If you have a low self esteem, if you are self-conscious about your body, if you don’t feel attractive, if you don’t see yourself as sexy; you will not enjoy sex. Work on your self image to make love with confidence. Love your body, dress your body well, keep fit and make sure you don’t insult or mock your spouse’s body but that you compliment and praise your spouse’s body; that body carries the heart of the person that loves you. Make your spouse feel sexy and you will be sexed good
25. “Selfishness”The greatest sex happens when two givers give pleasure. When it’s only about one spouse getting pleasure and calling the shots, the other spouse will not enjoy but will want the act to end quickly and walk away or sleep
© Dayan Masinde and Akello Oliech